Pronounced: Jhum de Shar
by DuoCorda
Summary: "Let's get the hell out of here Eames and head back to 1PP."


**Disclaimer: I do not own Dick Wolf's characters.  
A/N: Inspired by Scribere Est Agere's "A Bunny's Tale" - "I'm with you on that."  
Spoilers? Fonzie's flakey flight.  
Genre: Parody, humour and a tincture of tension. **

**Pronounced: _"Jhum-de-Shar"_**

_"Let's get the hell out of here Eames and head back to 1PP."_

It could have been any day of the week that two pale and haggard New York City detectives exited a twin engine aircraft on some remote Caribbean Island. You know, one of those picturesque secluded hideaways for young newlyweds?

They received an overnight call from the captain to apprehend international fugitive Didier Jeum deChart _(pronounced jhum-de-shar)_ for the murder of a high ranking European diplomat back in the city.

"Well here we are. The captain did alert the local police that we were coming didn't she Bobby?"

"I'm sure she did. I haven't met her yet have you?"

"No I haven't and there isn't much time left either. With no welcome wagon how are we suppose to find this Jeum deChart."

Suddenly out of nowhere pops a barefoot cherub faced local boy. You know one of those cute little kids whose always working for some lowlife creep to get you set up?

"Jeum deChart. You want Jeum deChart?"

"Yes do you know..."

"Oui come I take you. Come. It's ok."

And they followed their young guide to a nearby marina to Selachimorpha Speed Boat Tours. By this time Alex was thoroughly agitated and Bobby wasn't too far behind. After 5 hours of sitting precariously close to each other in a cramped airplane trying desperately to ignore certain inner stirrings, they were in no mood for games.

"What is this?"

"You want Jeum deChart. This way."

"Eames are we undercover on this one?"

"If we are no one bothered to tell us. This looks like some kind of speed boat tour for newlyweds. Hey kid . . . where'd he go?"

The young guide had disappeared into the crowd only to be replaced by some lowlife creep with a fake French accent in a black wet suit. You know the type that always leads you to the trap but always gets his just desserts at the end?

"I'm sorry my friends there was no one there to meet you at the plane."

"And you are?"

"I am Phillippe Devereux, professional race boat captain. Now if you will come with me you can get changed and we will be on our way.

" Wait a minute, what the hell is going on here? Look I'm Detective Goren and this is my partner Detective Eames."

"Cut the crap. Tell us about Jeum deChart."

"Oui detectives you want Jeum deChart. And what a beautiful day for it huh? The sky is clear, the waters are a little choppy, but that is okay, the sun is shining and in a few hours there will be a beautiful romantic sunset. Tous va bien n'est pas?"

"What are you crazy?

"Mais non. Your captain, she called and told me all about it. We will be taking Le Requin our finest as you Americans say "jumping boat." It's quite an aphrodisiac for later on -trés romantic. Now come get changed. We will have you there in no time."

"Hold it!"

And without taking another step forward it dawned on them what was going on. Captain Callas was trying to get rid of them -fabricate some preposterous investigation that would take them out of character and cross the line while on the job. She'd heard the rumors; she knew what people were saying about them and she was banking on a steamy, tumultuous affair -you know, the kind in which he would feed her pineapple and coconuts and she would prance around the beach in some scantily clad get up. They'd never return to New York. They'd get their happily ever after and a pink slip from the NYPD. Callas didn't just want to get them fired, she wanted to destroy their credibility and their careers.

" Selachimorpha Tours, jumping boats. Hey Phillippe! What kind of sea inhabits are in those waters?

"Oh, the usual Caribbean variety and sharks of course. Come . . . jumping boat!"

They looked at each other, you know that look that they get when they can't wait to get the suspect back to the interrogation room.

"No see you've got the wrong idea here. If you think we're just going to follow you on some wild goose chase off into oblivion then you're out of your damn mind."

"Callas isn't going to be with us much longer Phillippe and where do you think that's going to leave you?"

"I hope that you don't think that you're still going to be on the payroll. You'd have better odds swimming with one of your selachimorphas out there - or sharks as we Americans say.

She whispered to Bobby, "obviously Callas didn't get the memo about the new captain."

"Or well maybe she did and that's the problem."

Phillippe interrupted, "hey look man I just got a phone call about a job."

"What happened to your accent Phillippe, Phil or whatever the hell your name is?"

"Look I don't know what the soon- to- be former Captain Callas told you, but I'm the guy who stands between the shooter and the victim. You know, the whack job that's liable to go off at any second?"

" And I'm there to protect your ass in case he does."

"You? You barely come up to my ankles."

"And I carried a gun while I was nine months pregnant so I'd just as soon shoot you than to look at you Phil or whatever the hell your name is."

Bobby interjected, "you don't know us man. It's always been about catching the bad guys with us."

And then he thought of her, _" . . . and yearning and wanting." _

And then she thought of him, _" . . . and hurting and comforting."_

And then he lusted after her, _". . . and passion and romance."_

And then she agonized over him, _". . . .and pain and torture."_

And then he obsessed over her, _" . . . and confusion and insanity."_

Phil or whatever the hell his name was had long gone running off in the opposite direction.

"We're going to just let him go?'

"We've got no jurisdiction here. Jeum deChart my ass. Let's get the hell out of here Eames and head back to 1PP. There's been enough time wasted already. Oh, I didn't touch you did I Eames?"

" No Goren but I know you wanted to."

Fini

A/N: You may already know that the term "Jump the Shark" (Jeum deChart -a little play on words) originated from the TV show "Happy Days" in which Fonzie water skies over a shark tank. It refers to a television program that has reached its peak and resorts to absurd and illogical stunts and storylines to attract viewers.


End file.
